Tuesday, November 2, 2010

What Hollywood apparently thinks of us

Remember the days of MASH? Bunch of Army doctors working together to save lives? Sure, they had their disagreements, and Hawkeye was a wiseass, but in the end they knew why they were there, and they cooperated for the good of the patients.

Well forget them! That’s old school! “House M.D.” is how things are done in the 21st century! Audiences don’t want a team of doctors cooperating! They want a group of self-righteous, arrogant jerks pretending to be doctors while behind the scenes they stab one another in the back, finger-point, undermine each other and look for conspiracy in every little action and word!

Remember Gilligan’s Island?

Well forget them! That’s as old school as you can get! “Lost” is how things are done now! Audiences don’t want friendly cooperation. They want CONFLICT! That’s what sells! Petty conflict! Backstabbing! Struggles for power! Conspiracy in everyday life! That’s what drives drama!

Linear stories? So 1900’s. The new way to tell a story is the same as video games have been doing it for years: take any story, chop it into pieces, present the pieces out of sequence and let the audience figure it out what the hell is going on. Audiences don’t want coherence! They want to be CONFUSED!

Remember when the Steadicam was invented in the 70’s? Finally, movies and TV got rid of that nauseating shaky camera whenever the action moved around. It was about time!

Well, forget that ancient 20th century innovation! We’ve moved forward!

Audiences want to FEEL like they’re in the middle of the action, so we must SHAKESHAKESHAKE the camera as much as possible to create the illusion that the audience is actually there, watching these events unfold! We’ve done the research on real people, and we know for a fact that people bob around like they’re charming a cobra, zooming in and out, losing and regaining focus at random when they’re standing perfectly still listening to two people talk.

Hey, let’s take this to the next step! When there’s nothing going on in a scene, let’s shake the camera around to recreate the illusion that there’s lots of action happening! We can make any scene exciting this way! Audiences love it, and we get to hide how bad our computer-generated special effects look as a bonus!

Attention Hollywood: please stop. We're begging you. Please.

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