These are the winners of the Felix and the Sacred Thor fanfic contest! By a coin-toss, first winner is a clever mashup of Felix's world with Jeff Burk's Shatnerquake. It contains Mary Sues, retconning, uncomfortable use of real people playing themselves, as well as reference to the upcoming film adaptation. Yeah... I can see Jeff playing Felix. He'd look good with a Thor in his hands.
by S.T. Cartledge
“Oh my god! James Steele! I'm your Number One Fan!” Shane was just a little bit excited. “Hey, can you sign my book?” Shane handed James his copy of Felix and the Sacred Thor.
“Hi Felix,” James said. “Nice costume. Impressive Thor. Who do I make this out to?”
“Shane. Thanks. I made the costume myself, and the Thor. I just had to, I love the book so much! The film's awesome, I mean, I studied Jeff Burk's costume in the film, but the book is just so... you're fucking brilliant, man!” Shane waved the Thor (Felix's giant horse dildo weapon in the book/film) and gushed in the presence of his favourite author.
James wiped spit off his cheek, leaned back, opened the book to the inside cover and frowned.
“Uh... Shane? Is this some sort of joke? I've signed this copy already.”
“Yeah, I know. That was at last year's BizarroCon. I thought it'll be worth more if it's signed twice, right? Also, can you sign my Thor?”
James sighed and kneaded his forehead. Every year, every BizarroCon, the real wackos seemed to gravitate towards him. He thought that in a convention filled with thousands of wackos it wouldn't be so bad, but the worst of them seemed to single him out as the one they go to for all the weird shit.
“Uh, yeah, sure. Whatever kid. I'll sign your book again. I'll sign your Thor. I'll sign your fucking underpants if you'd like.”
Shane blushed and started to pull down his pants.
“Hey! Dude! It was a joke. A joke!” James scribbled his signature across the Thor and handed it back to Shane, gaze averted from the scrawny fanboy with the obvious hard-on. “Pull your pants up man! There is such a thing as being too excited.”
Jeff Burk shuffled into the booth beside James.
“Hey James. They're here again. They're plotting something, I'm telling you. Don't look, but they're over by the Grindhouse Press stall.”
“Shit, don't look, don't look! Did they see you?”
“Jeff, you do this every year. It's their cosplay, they're not actual Campbellians. You just made that up. Remember?”
“Yeah. I remember writing Shatnerquake, but I've been seeing these guys everywhere. They're everywhere, man... I can't remember if I made them up or if I based them on real people.”
“Jeff, you're just paranoid. Every year you do this and nothing happens. Go grab a beer or something. Chill the fuck out.”
“Oh hey Jeff, Jeff! Sign my Thor!” Shane waved his Thor in Jeff's face.
Jeff ducked and backed away.
“Shit, you're one of them!”
“No! I'm you. I'm Felix. Sign my Thor.” Shane pushed the Thor into Jeff's hands. “Sign right next to James.”
“You nearly killed me there. You got to be more careful swinging that thing around.” Jeff signed the Thor and handed it back to Shane.
“Jeff, thank you. Seriously. I'm going to mount this on my wall when I get home.”
“Yeah, he's going to mount it, all right...” James whispered to Jeff.
Jeff sniggered. Shane didn't hear. He moved along the table and bought a full sized battery operated flying toaster figurine that doesn't actually fly. He handed it to James to sign.
“Thanks James. Hey, can I have your phone number?”
“Sorry kid. I don't give that out at conventions.”
“Oh. Well I'll give you mine.” Shane handed James a scrap bit of paper with his handwriting on it. “I've got my email on there too. Maybe I can run some story ideas by you?”
“Sure, whatever.” James stuffed the paper in his pocket without looking at it.
“Ok. I'm going to go check out the Bizarro Showdown now. Bye!”
Carlton Mellick III was dressed as a pancake and Cameron Pierce was dressed as a pickle. They stood on the stage, which was set up to look like Pancake Island. It looked considerably more tasteful than last year's performance of Ass Goblins of Auschwitz. BizarroCon had developed a tradition over the years, the Bizarro Showdown performance tag-team of Mellick and Pierce, as each year they tried to outdo themselves with outrageously elaborate sets, costumes and special effects that would make even big name Hollywood producers jealous. This year, they were doing a homage to Pickled Apocalypse of Pancake Island. Cameron played the male protagonist, the pickle, Gaston Glew. Carlton was the female love interest, the pancake, Fanny Fod. Kirsten Alene stood in the corner in a pterodactyl costume because she wanted to be part of the show.
“I love you, Gaston Glew!” Carlton said to Cameron.
“I also love you too, Fanny Fod!” Cameron said to Carlton.
The characters were just a ruse for the real show. It was a little known fact that Cameron and Carlton were passionately in love. Carlton kissed Cameron on his pickled nose and Cameron rubbed his hands over Carlton's smooth pancake head. Their limbs then took on a life of their own and started swimming all over their bodies, reaching into every nook, every crevice, over every dimple, leaving no skin-cell unturned on their pickle/pancake bodies. They kissed and groped and fondled for a good fifteen minutes straight, parting lips only to make declarations of their love for each other. The audience watched on in a magnetic trance that was either stunned awe or stunned horror. Kirsten sat in the corner quietly enjoying herself. And then the convention centre erupted into chaos.
Meanwhile, in the film theatre, the Campbellians had successfully set off their fiction bomb. The audience had been watching Felix and the Sacred Thor in 3D and were in the middle of a battle in the toaster factory. The fiction bomb released a shockwave of golden light, encasing the audience in its aura and causing the walls to tremble. Wearing their dorky glasses, they all got slapped by a real-life dolphin dildo coming out of the screen. Then, they promptly reached under their seats to retrieve a pair of scissors (the origin of which is never explained – or even remotely alluded to – in this story ever again) and slashed their throats in unison, hundreds of violent blood arcs scattering across the theatre. Felix leapt out of the screen and rolled, dodging a series of fireball attacks from the stranger with the enlarged dolphin-member.
The dolphin-girl leapt through the screen moments later, and Felix fired ice shards from his Thor back at her. He ran for the theatre exit, stepping over the dead bodies of the audience members to get there. He reached the door as a swarm of flying toasters came through the screen, and he sealed the doorway with a layer of ice. The wall beside the door exploded outward, sending rubble scattering. Out swarmed the toasters, followed by the dolphin-girl carrying a large popcorn soaked in blood. She shovelled the popcorn into her mouth, blood and butter dribbling down her chin onto her shirt. Felix swung his Thor at the toasters, sending them crashing and exploding into walls, trying to keep them away from the strangely dressed people just standing around watching him. Dolphin-girl sent a jet of flames from her weapon, sweeping it side to side like a flamethrower. Felix built a wall of ice between them to keep the flames at bay. She paused then he paused then she sent a giant fist-shaped fireball through the ice. Then, Shane whupped her upside the head with his home made Thor.
“Who are you?” Felix said.
“What do you mean, who am I? You signed my Thor less thank half an hour ago. It's me, Jeff, I'm Shane. I'm your number one fan!!!”
“Hey, you've got me confused with, uh, someone else. My name's Felix. Felix, not Jeff.”
“Oh. Ohhhhh. Right... Of course, Felix.” Shane winked.
“Why are you dressed like me? And why do you have a Thor?”
“Because, I'm... um, I am your evil twin brother!” Shane raised his Thor, ready to spar.
“I don't have a brother. What the fuck are you on about?”
“I was the one who sent dolphin-girl after you.” Shane made a feeble attempt at an evil laugh.
“Yeah, dipshit? Why did you just knock her out then, huh?”
“It was a foolish move, sending her after you when I clearly should have come for you myself. She was no match for you. As for me... I know all your moves, all your weaknesses.”
Shane was really starting to enjoy roleplaying with Jeff. He really admired the man for not breaking character throughout the whole charade. He ran at 'Felix' and swung his Thor. Felix's Thor met his own, blocking the attack, before countering it with a penetrating stab right through Shane's chest. Pain coursed through his body in violent spasms. What was Jeff playing at?
“Jeff... Jeff... Why?” Shane slid to the floor at Felix's feet, shaking and stuttering. “C-cold. S-so c-c-cold...”
Back at the Bizarro Showdown, a morbidly obese walrus-child stood on stage in a XXS Jimmy Plush cosplay outfit that was bursting at the seams, and he was singing an off-key acoustic cover of Somewhere Over the Rainbow.
Felix rumbled in, a pile of corpses and toaster-corpses trailing behind him and he said, “bring me the one called 'Jeff Burk.'”
Jordan Krall, disguised as a transvestite Cthulhu, left the Showdown to find Jeff. He returned with William Pauley III, Bradley Sands, and D.-Harlan-Wilson-bot.
Felix slugged Jordan across the face with his Thor and said, “no, dumbass, bring me Jeff Burk!”
Jordan left again and returned with James Steele. “Is this who you wanted? James Steele?”
“No.” Felix slugged him again. “Jeff. Burk. Don't make me tell you again.”
“Oh,” Jordan said. “But you are Jeff Burk.”
“No. I am Felix. Feeeeeeelix. I'm looking for Jeeeeff Buuuurk. Understand?”
“Oh, shit,” James said. “Jordan, I don't think this is Jeff.”
“What do you mean?” Jordan said.
“I mean, do you remember reading Shatnerquake?”
“And the Campbellians set off the fiction bomb.”
“And the Shatners came out of their films and started wrecking shit.”
“Oh hell no.”
“Just get Jeff.”
Jordan left then returned with Jeff, who was drunk off his face.
“Hey,” Jeff said and stumbled towards Felix, “I know you... you're... me.”
Felix gritted his teeth. “Why do people keep saying that? And who are you?”
“I'm... I'm Beff Jurk. I mean Jurk Beff. I mean... Hi. I'm Jeff.”
Bradley Sands shook his head and whispered to James, “poor guy, he just hasn't been the same since writing Shatnerquake...”
Felix started swinging his Thor above his head like a helicopter, making a menacing 'whoo' sound. He slammed it on the ground, turning the surface to ice, causing everyone to slip over. Everyone except Jeff.
“Where's my Thor?” Jeff said quietly.
Everyone pulled themselves back onto their feet.
“Where's my Thor?!” Jeff yelled.
D.-Harlan-Wilson-bot pulled a chrome Thor from his robot-sheath and handed it to Jeff, beeping his approval. Jeff squeezed it and it fired out dog biscuits. He aimed it like he did in the movie, charged it and fired a bowling ball sized dog biscuit at Felix's head. Felix dodged it and the ball crashed into an Egg Man cosplay. The crowd stepped back as Felix sent a blast of ice at Jeff. The inebriated robot-Thor wielding fellow dodged the attack accidentally then sent a wet dog-food avalanche tumbling at Felix from the pancake mountain on the stage. Felix froze it and pogo-ed himself onto the stage. Jeff stabbed his Thor into the ground, bent it back, and slingshot himself up there with Felix. They gripped their Thors like swords and sparred, each clash sent frosted dog biscuits cascading out around them.
“You are no match for me!” Felix said.
“Am too!” Jeff said.
“Are not!” Felix said.
Then, Cameron-pickle reached into Carlton's sheath and pulled out a pancake Thor. He jumped onto the stage and swung his Thor at Felix. Or Jeff. His Thor shot out green slime that covered all three of them and melted away their anger and frustration. Jeff dropped his Thor. Felix dropped his. Cameron sent a fountain of green slime out over the crowd and they started smiling and laughing and hugging and kissing each other. On the stage, Jeff and Felix wrapped their arms around each other and kissed passionately. Jeff no longer feared the Campbellians.
James somehow missed the slime-fountain, and when everyone else began their love-fest he slipped out into the corridor. That was when he saw the dead body of his number one fan. He fell to his knees and started sobbing.
“Why didn't I tell him my true feelings when I had the chance?” James wiped blood from Shane's cheek and kissed him on the forehead. “He's with the sacred horse now...”
Felix and the Sinister Cerberus is next, written as a postscript to the book. I like the idea that Felix saved the city and his life doesn't change at all because of it. Fits with the world perfectly. I especially like the similes and metaphors sprinkled around. "It rose above the surrounding office buildings like an erect penis from the waters of a warm bath." Great image! Dan should've saved it for a real story, not a fanfic! It's full of retconning and ridiculous action and a few ideas I'm going to have to steal sometime.
Felix and the Sinister Cerebus
by Dan Schwent
When the man wearing the pin-striped suit, top hat, and monocle cleared his throat, Felix knew he'd been denied yet again. He gripped the shaft of the Sacred Thor as tightly as he could and hoped against hope.
"Mister... Felix, was it?" the man asked.
"Mister Felix, I'm afraid we at the Cockenstein Sexual Novelty Corporation cannot offer you an endorsement deal at this time."
Just as he feared. Felix sighed. "Can I ask why not?"
The man walked out from behind his desk and adjusted his monocle. From the waist down, he was naked apart from a black and purple leopard print thong.
"It's quite simple. We at the Cockenstein Sexual Novelty Corporation make products designed for pleasure, both for individuals and groups. From our line of pocket vaginal surrogates, like the Palm Prostitute, all the way up to the Mandingo Menorah, the world's first Jewish-themed sexual device designed for intimate encounters between parties of two to ten people, enjoyment is our top priority. You and your Sacred Thor have inflicted nothing but pain on the populace of this city. Our products are not designed for use as a pogo stick, beating people about the head and shoulders, and shooting projectiles!" "
"But I saved the city from the winged nuclear toasters with the other Sacred Defenders of Humanity," Felix protested.
"So you say. We at the Cockenstein Sexual Novelty Corporation want no part of your shenanigans. We are humble makers of marital aids of enormous girth, not deviant perverts! Good day, sir."
Felix dropped to his knees, hands folded, praying to whatever god represented plastic penis-wielding superheros.
"Please! My landlord gave me until the end of the week to come up with five thousand dollars once he found out I was unemployed. I've only got two days left!" Felix said.
"Then I suggest you proceed to your next appointment with great haste. As I said, good day, sir."
Dejected, Felix walked to the open window and leaped out, the power of the Sacred Thor carrying him high into the sky above the city.
As the magical horse member dragged him across the skyline, Felix reflected upon the events of the past few weeks, from his drawing the Sacred Thor from its sheath, to the formation of the Sacred Defenders of Humanity, to his arrival home and his landlord raining on his parade with an eviction notice.
"I received word that you're unemployed," his landlord had said.
"I do not tolerate deadbeats in this building," his landlord had said.
"You have one week to come up with a five thousand dollar good faith deposit or you're out on the street," his landlord had said.
The wisdom of trying to force an unemployed person come up with five thousand dollars had been lost on his landlord. After much soul searching, an idea sparked into existence inside Felix's mighty cranium. Now that he was the city's superhero and the Sacred Thor had been seen by millions, surely a sex toy company would want his endorsement.
No such luck. There were forty-seven sex toy companies in the phone book and the Cockenstein Sexual Novelty Corporation was the forty-sixth one he'd tried. He'd thought they'd all jump at the chance to have a superhero wielding a monstrous phallic weapon representing their company but he'd been gravely mistaken.
Some cited insurance risks, others offered him positions in their sales departments, working on commission, of course. Still others demanded private use of the Sacred Thor before making a decision. Appointment after appointment yielded nothing but anxiety and soul-crushing disappointment.
As Felix neared his final destination, he considered numerous contingency plans. As much as he loathed the idea, he supposed he could try to get another job in retail. Sure, it was degrading and a tremendous step down from being a superhero but it would keep him in his apartment. At least, it would until his landlord decided to double or triple the rent again. Alternatively, he try to return to his career as an Equine Stress Management Specialist. The hours were good and he got a lot of fresh air. Surely he'd have an advantage during the interview process, being a superhero and all.
As if sensing his thoughts, the Sacred Thor throbbed with displeasure. Superheroes were not meant to address the sexual needs of pent up animals or unruly consumers. His confidence partially restored, Felix resolved to put everything he had into his final interview. He'd worry about tomorrow when it came.
The headquarters of the Pleasure Pegasus Pornography and Sex Toy Company was a cylindrical tower with a helmet-like roof that made it resemble nothing more than an enormous metal and glass phallus, the balconies and fire escapes winding around it like veins doing nothing to lessen the resemblance. It rose above the surrounding office buildings like an erect penis from the waters of a warm bath.
Felix landed on the sidewalk at the base of the stairs leading up to the front door of the Pleasure Pegasus building. Shouldering the Sacred Thor like a rifle, Felix took the stairs two at a time and walked through the revolving front doors.
His footsteps echoed on the marble tiled floor. The building's lobby reminded Felix of a museum; cold, dark, and altogether too quiet. Muzak piped into the lobby via hidden speakers played a familiar tune. It took a few moments but Felix finally recognized it as a neutered version of Black Sabbath's Iron Man.
Felix walked to the receptionist's desk. She was barely out of her teens, a pretty brunette in a navy blue skirt and jacket. She reminded Felix of a girl he'd persistently masturbated to in high school until he developed a painful blister. She popped her gum and rolled her eyes as Felix approached.
"I have an appointment with Percival Pegasus of the Pleasure Pegasus Pornography and Sex Toy Company at 12:30," he said.
The receptionist punched the keys of the keyboard with all the enthusiasm of a vegetarian being forced to eat a kitten.
"You're Felix?" she asked hesitantly.
"Yes. Have you seen me on the news?"
"I don't watch TV. It says your appointment is at 12:30."
"That's what I just told you," Felix said.
"It's only 11:45. You'll have to wait."
Felix looked at his watch. Sure enough, the nymph was telling the truth. He sat on one of the lobby's many leather couches. After thirty seconds, he was bored out of his mind, wishing he'd brought a book or Gameboy. He was reflecting on video games he'd beaten in his youth, like Battletoads and Super Mario Brothers 3, when he felt the receptionist's eyes on him.
He raised his head and she was looking at her computer monitor. Was he imagining things? No, he was sure she'd been looking at him. He pretended to be interested in one of the paintings hanging on the lobby wall when he saw her looking at him again out of the corner of his eye.
Sensing a rare opportunity to impress the opposite sex, Felix rose from the couch and returned to the receptionist's desk. He tried his best line.
"I can't help but notice that you're much less obese than the women I usually attract. What's your secret?"
The receptionist smiled. "Thanks for noticing. I'm wearing a sustenance-proof corset underneath my clothing. I actually subsist on nothing but water, lemon wedges, and mentholated cough drops."
Felix nodded approvingly. "It's working," he said.
"Isn't that a Thor over your shoulder?" she asked coquettishly.
"It sure is," Felix said, raising his eyebrows.
"I'm a woman with very specific needs, needs no man has been able to meet in over two years. I'd like to give you and your Thor a try one evening," she said.
"I'd love that," Felix said. The Sacred Thor threatened to leap out of his hands with enthusiasm. "So would he," he added.
"Great," the receptionist said. "We'll talk after your meeting."
"Sounds like a plan," Felix said. He strutted back to the leather couch, as happy as a dog in a convertible. Smiling, he could barely contain himself. He whistled along with the Muzak, AC/DC's Back in Black this time, and tapped his feet on the marble floor. He raised his wrist and looked at his watch.
It was only 11:50!
Felix glanced at the receptionist. She winked at him and licked her lips. He rubbed his forehead and wished he'd thought to kill some time after his last appointment.
For the next forty minutes, Felix passed the time by inspecting the other visitors to the building, speculating as to which of them harbored winged toasters within his or her abdominal cavity and which were simply run of the mill perverts. None of them seemed outwardly hostile but Felix kept his guard up.
The minutes dragged by with the speed of a snail on a piece of fly paper. When 12:30 finally arrived, Felix swaggered back to the receptionist's desk.
"It's 12:30," he said.
She smiled, the strong odor of menthol wafting from her mouth. "Mr. Pegasus is running late. It will be just a few more minutes."
Felix sighed. "Okay."
As he turned to walk away, the receptionist patted the Sacred Thor on the head, her thumb lightly stroking the tip in a circular motion. Felix felt the Thor stiffen in his grasp and struggle to break his grip. He returned to his seat.
Three hours later, the receptionist stood up.
"Felix, Mr. Pegasus will see you now," she said.
Felix stood and stretched, his back popping audibly. He nodded toward her and smiled, making sure to keep the Sacred Thor out of her reach. The minx had them both by the short and curlies. He walked to a pair of wooden double doors, the plaque beside them reading "Percival Pegasus, Proprietor." Felix knocked once and went inside.
Percival Pegasus's office dwarfed Felix's apartment, and, indeed, most houses. It was easily one hundred feet by fifty feet. The shine on the hardwood floor was so intense that Felix could see his reflection clear enough to notice the numerous bugs caught in the tangles of his hair from the flight over. He picked them out and wandered deeper into the office.
Fountains shaped like ejaculating penises shot a fine spray into the air, giving the office a close, humid feel. The vaulted ceiling made Felix feel like he was in a castle. Paintings by Renaissance masters hung on the walls. Harp music, played by actual harpists, filled the opulent office with soothing melodies.
Felix wandered through the titanic chamber and soon found himself lost in a labyrinth of exotic potted plants. After five minutes of wandering, Felix nearly stumbled over the first level of the dais. Atop the dais, Felix could barely make out the shape of a large wooden desk the size of a Volkswagen beetle. He climbed the dais one level at a time, ten in all, until he reached the top.
A shirtless man with a flowing man of luxurious blond hair sat behind the desk, doing a crossword puzzle with a mechanical pencil.
"Mister Pegasus, I presume?" Felix asked.
The man smiled and stood to his full height. He was over six and a half feet tall and towered over Felix. He had the chiseled body of a Greek god, the striations of his muscle tissue visible beneath his skin. He brushed his thick hair away with his left hand and offered his right to Felix.
"Correct you are, Felix," he said, shaking Felix's hand with a bone-crushing grip.
Felix frowned. He was hoping Percival Pegasus wouldn't be a colossal asshole.
"You said on the phone you had a proposition for me?"
"That's right. You may be familiar with my exploits with the other Sacred Defenders of Humanity."
"Right. You, the guy with the Ridgeback, the dolphin girl, you're all minor celebrities. You might even be on Dancing with the Stars in a few months. What's your proposition?"
"Well, I thought it would be good for both of us if I endorsed your products. With my image, we could make a lot of money," Felix said.
Percival Pegasus nodded his head and scratched at the fashionable scruff on his cheek. "True," Pegasus said, "but I think you might be getting much more out of this than I would. The Pleasure Pegasus Pornography and Sex Toy Company makes most of its money through our internet store. No matter how liberal they say they are, people just don't want to be seen buying the Pegasus Porcupine, the only fifteen pronged dildo in the business, or one of our other products. Apart from this city, people just don't know who you are."
Felix shook his head. "So you're rejecting me too. Great. That's what I get for saving the city, I guess. How many other superheroes are homeless?"
Percival Pegasus patted Felix on the shoulder. "It's not all bad, Felix. I've got a job for you right now."
Felix cocked his head and looked at Percival Pegasus. For the first time, he thought he noticed a fine line running the length of his sculpted chest, almost like a seam. "What's the job?"
"You get to help me test my newest invention. You get to help test... the Cerberus!"
Pegasus held his left hand and Felix felt a rush of air as a monstrous instrument tumbled end over end through the air, passing inches from his head, coming to rest in Pegasus's outstretched palm.
It was immense, over nine feet long and as thick as Felix's thigh. It was neon-orange in hue and covered with boils and blisters, the simulated veins along its length pulsing with unnatural life. The two heads were nearly the size of bowling balls, droplets of corrosive white fluid dripping from the tips. Pegasus twirled it in his hand like a baton, mesmerizing Felix.
"The toasters have a new champion, Felix, and it's me."
Felix leveled the Sacred Thor at Pegasus and loosed a barrage of icicles but Pegasus deflected them with a whirl of the Cerberus. The harpists stopped the song they were playing and began strumming a John Williams classic, the Duel of the Fates.
Pegasus gripped the Cerberus with his hands far apart, like a quarterstaff, and advanced on Felix. The larger man whirled his double-headed weapon at Felix's head. Felix ducked but Pegasus lashed out with his foot, kicking him in the chest. Felix staggered backward and stumbled over the edge of the dais, landing on his back on the next tier.
Taking to the air, Pegasus aimed one of the ends of the Cerberus at Felix's head. Felix rolled out of the way and the head of the Cerberus dashed a hole in the floor, sending a plume of dust into the air.
Felix swung the Sacred Thor at Pegasus's face but the purveyor of pornography brought his weapon up, parrying his attack. Felix let the Thor take control, slashing at Pegasus's face. Pegasus again blocked the blow but the impact shook the room, the chandeliers swaying wildly.
Pegasus went on the offensive, whirling the Cerberus at frightening speeds. It was all Felix could do to block the blows that would have knocked his head from his shoulders if they landed. Sensing doom, Felix leaped from the penultimate tier of the dais and flung himself into the air. Pegasus followed, the Cerberus whirling like the blades of a fleshy helicopter.
Felix flew across the vast office space, dodging chandeliers and trying to figure out a way to even the odds. No strategy came to mind.
Propelled by the power of the Cerberus, Pegasus rammed Felix from behind, sending him spiraling head-first toward the far wall of the cavernous office. Felix regained control at the last minute, enough to turn his body. He crashed into the wall, his back absorbing the brunt of the impact, the Sacred Thor flying from his grasp. It landed lifelessly a few yards away.
Pegasus landed and strode toward Felix, stroking the long shaft of the Cerberus as he walked. He stopped ten feet in front of Felix and intensified the stimulation of his infernal instrument, his hand working faster and faster. He gripped the opposite end of the Cerberus between his thighs in a grotesque parody of masturbation.
"Congratulations, Felix. You'll go down in the history books as the first victim of the Cerberus," Pegasus said. He was clearly nearing orgasm, sweat dripping down his face, his eyes clamped shut, his teeth clenched. The Cerberus throbbed and pulsed with unholy enthusiasm. Felix tried to move but couldn't summon the energy. He was about to close his eyes and brace himself when he detected movement in his peripheral vision. It was the Sacred Thor, slowly writhing toward him like a cyclopean inchworm.
Pegasus threw his head back and grunted and the Thor vaulted from the floor into Felix's grasp. Felix felt the Thor's energy flowing through him, and he gripped it with both hands and swung it like a nine-iron.
The Thor's head connected with the Cerberus a nanosecond before the two-headed warhead could deliver its payload. The Cerberus whirled with the impact, sending a steam of high velocity liquid death at the dais. The hot white fluid hit the raised platform and melted the stone like a marshmallow in a microwave.
Felix swung the Thor at Pegasus' head but the date-rapist dandy regained control of the Cerberus in time. The force of the two mighty instruments colliding shattered the glass in the chandeliers and light fixtures. Taking their cue, the harpists ceased playing and fled the office for greener pastures.
"You're only making it harder on yourself, Felix. The longer it takes me to subdue you, the longer it's going to take me to finish."
"Then you won't finish for a few... ever. I mean ever!"
The phallic weapons clashed time and time again, rocking the building with each impact. Felix went for Pegasus' legs but the big man took to the air, the Sacred Thor gouging a furrow in the office floor.
Pegasus thrust the Cerberus at Felix's abdomen, intent on impaling him. Felix sidestepped the blow but was at an awkward angle. He slammed Pegasus in the chest with the shaft of the Thor, knocking him back a step. He faked a thrust at Pegasus's face and the blond giant raised the Cerberus to block it. Felix sensed an opportunity and let the Thor do what it did best.
Lightning crackled from the Sacred Thor's tip, catching Pegasus full in the chest and knocking the Cerberus from his grip. Pegasus fell to his knees, gasping. The seam running the length of his body opened like the lips of an enormous vagina and something pushed free from his innards.
It's white plastic shell was sticky with Pegasus' blood and fluids, its four black eyes staring into the depths of Felix's soul. The hypnotic effect was short-lived. Once the four-slot toaster was free and unfolding its ribbed, bat-like wings, Felix launched a burst of flame from the tip of the Sacred Thor. The toaster melted into a glob of unrecognizable plastic, giving off a noxious smoke before expiring in a tiny nuclear blast.
His work not yet done, Felix walked over to the quivering Cerberus. It shrieked as Felix approached. Using the Thor as a flamethrower, Felix soon rendered the Cerberus to a tarry pool of bubbling goo.
"You won't get away with this, Felix. They'll make me another Cerberus, an even bigger one, and I'll come for you."
Felix leveled the Sacred Thor and peered down its length. "I doubt it," he said.
The head of the Thor crackled with electricity. An arc lanced out, burning a hole through Pegasus' chest the size of a dinner plate. His remains toppled bonelessly to the floor.
Felix shouldered the Sacred Thor and peered around the immense office. The green labyrinth of exotic plants had burned to ash. The hardwood floor was scorched beyond recognition. The dais upon which Pegasus's desk had lain was a steaming pile of cooling slag.
Felix carefully navigated the ruins of the dais until he came to Pegasus's desk. The desk was largely intact but its drawers had come unlocked in the struggle. Felix rummaged through the drawers, finding the usual odds and bodkins, until he came upon a small brown paper bag. Felix opened the bag and nearly urinated all over himself. It was full of bundles of twenty-dollar bills!
Felix counted one bundle and came to one-thousand dollars. There were at least twenty bundles in the bag! Felix suffered a momentarily attack of conscience. Was it right for him to keep money that didn't belong to him? He hadn't earned it, after all. The moment passed and Felix stuffed the bundles of money into his pants. He could always donate what he didn't need to the less fortunate.
Marching victoriously out of the office, Felix brushed the dust off of his shoulder and stopped by the receptionist's desk. She opened her mouth to say something and Felix pulled her across the desk and kissed her passionately.
"Does this mean it went well?" the receptionist asked.
Felix spat her disgusting cough drop on the floor, where it broke into a thousand gem-like pieces.
"It did. Let's get out of here," Felix said.
The receptionist threw off her headset and leaped over the counter into Felix's arms. The Sacred Thor vibrated intensely, its spasms so violent that Felix could barely contain it. Felix helped her to the floor and they walked out of the Pleasure Pegasus building arm in arm, the Sacred Thor bobbing between them like a buoy in rough seas.
Once they were outside, Felix put an arm around his new love's waist. She wrapped her arms around his neck and probed his ear with her tongue. The shaft of the Thor bent, nuzzling her cheek with its huge flair. She licked the Thor's head with great enthusiasm and lightly bit it.
The Thor nearly ripped itself out of Felix's grip as the pair took to the sky, pulled along behind the dynamic dildo like a small child behind a Great Dane.
The city passed by in a blur beneath them. They landed atop Felix's building. As they took the stairs down from the roof and made their way toward his apartment, a thought occurred to Felix.
"What did you say your name was?" Felix asked.
"I'll tell you afterwords," she said.