Saturday, August 3, 2013

Fear and Wisdom

So much I do out of fear. I haven't quit my job because I fear not having a steady stream of income. I exercise because I'm afraid of ending up like my mother. I don't smoke or drink or do drugs because I didn't want to be like my father. I don't go to doctors (if at all possible) because I'm afraid of the expense. I write because I don't know what else to do, and I fear I'll become one of these factory drones who does little but go to work and watch TV every day if I stop. I haven't gone to college because I fear no return on investment and debt. I haven't bought a new computer to run the newest games because I'm afraid I'll need the money for something else someday.

Roommate put his hard cider up for anybody to drink because he didn't like it, and I had one. This stuff wasn't bad. Like beer diluted with apple juice. I finished half the bottle, then I dumped the rest out because I did not want to start liking alcohol. I was afraid I'd crave it later and it would start a bad habit. More inaction because of fear.

What if I'm tired of living within my own borders? When does wisdom cease to be a good idea, and instead becomes a prison? I live my life contained by fear. The bitch of it is: these fears have proven correct multiple times, like needing money elsewhere someday, and the doctor expense. The difficulty of finding a new job is also very real, but still. It's fear.

I worry about having regrets. So much I wish I had done. I'm aging so fast and I don't want to reach the end of my life and wish I had lived more. All that's stopping me is fear/wisdom.

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