Candidate - a very short story for the American election season


As my special guest today, you all know [him/her], [he/she] is running for President of the United States of America—[he/she] just announced [his/her] candidacy last week, please welcome [NAME].

CANDIDATE steps out, waving to the STUDIO AUDIENCE amidst polite applause, takes a seat opposite Host.

Welcome. It’s so good to have you on the show.

Thank you for having me.

Audience calms down.

Let’s jump straight into it. What, in your mind, qualifies you to be president?

Candidate adjusts position and leans forward.

Oh, well it’s quite simple. I am a billionaire.

A beat. Host nods and then turns to the audience.

Well, there you have it.

Audience applauds. Candidate smiles and waves modestly. Audience gives standing ovation and applauds louder. Candidate stands with them and continues to wave. Host remains seated, politely applauding.

What else needs to be said? Wow. Wow.

Some members of the audience are raising hands. Others are beginning to cry. Applause continues to rise in volume. Candidate steps forward and raises arms.

Host now stands and begins to sing. Some members of the audience also sing. One member of the audience begins to convulse and collapses on the floor as the applause begins to sound like a passing train.

Candidate closes eyes, absorbing the sound, and begins to grow taller.

Host drops to knees and begins to chant and pray. A few members of the audience join in. Still others begin to chant “The billionaires will save us” and “The billionaires are coming to save us” and “Praise the Lord” and “Thank you, Jesus, for sending us billionaires.”

The candidate on stage grows taller and taller as the people continue applauding and shouting. Candidate casts a shadow over the studio audience. They grow thinner and Candidate grows taller still until he or she bursts through the studio roof, roaring.

With their dying breaths, the audience continues praising the Lord for sending billionaires to save them.


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