Friday, May 20, 2011

The meaning of life (at last)

Since the rapture is coming tomorrow, I thought it was time to reveal the meaning of life. To make it more relatable, I’ll tell it in parable format. Happy rapture day!

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A man fed up with life walked to the middle of a forest. He raised a gun to his head, then looked up at the sky and spoke.

“God, if you give me a reason to live, then I will not pull the trigger.”

The Lord appeared to him and regarded the man with a gun to his head.

“Lord, why did you create us?” he asked. “What does it mean? Why go on?”

“I already told everyone,” replied the Lord.

“You did?”

“I even wrote it down. Everybody’s confused about why they’re here, but I told everyone why they’re here and what they’re supposed to be doing in the very beginning.”

“What?! Where?!”

God produced a Bible and handed it to the man. “Read Genesis 1:28.”

The man took the gun from his head, set it down and opened to the very first page. “And God blessed them and said to them, Be fruitful, multiply, and fill the earth, and subdue it [using all its vast resources in the service of God and man]; and have dominion over the fish of the sea, the birds of the air, and over every living creature that moves upon the earth.”

“‘Them’ being Adam and Eve,” said God, “and that’s an Amplified Bible I gave you, too.”

The man paused for a moment. “Is that it?” he asked.

“What else do you want?” said God. “That’s why you’re here. It doesn’t get any simpler.”

“We're here to reproduce, and you created the Earth for us to use to do that?”

“It’s in the Bible.”

“But I’m a vegetarian.”

"Oh, so no dominating the animals for you. Well, you're subduing the Earth like I said."

"I'm also an artist."

"Never mind that. Um, do you have a girlfriend?”

“I’m gay.”

“Oh. Then no multiplying for you. Let me see…”

“I’m also bottom.”

“Well you have the ‘be fruitful’ part down.”

“Har har.” God didn’t respond. The man thought about it for a moment. “So does that mean it’s okay for me to be gay?”

“It’s in the Bible.”

“Yay, thanks!” said the man and he ran off, leaving both the gun and the Bible.

God shrugged and ascended into heaven. “People make everything so complicated.”

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And there you have it. The meaning of life staring us in the face for millennia. Now get to it!

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